A Child in Hell - Visitor's Poem

by Christina Hoover
(Indiana, USA)

Haunted by the past,

Fears come to get me,

Feelings of numbness and pain,

Darkness in a cast,

Confusion is all I see,

"My innocense has been stolen from me!"

I want to scream it loud and clear!

The monster lurks and with his eyes he threatens,

Pain follows as he draws near!

True to his word, death descends,

The beatings begin...

I obey, it never ends.

They call me insane,

No one to be named,

I will be the thing blamed,

Nightmares and screaming,

Blackness is deepening,

Memories surround me,

No one is near to see,

A death that is endless,

Betrayed by my own feelings,

Life has no meaning,

Ocean of tears,

Voices remind me of my fears,

Why did they even want an adoption?

Fleeing is no option,

Slashed, but not gone,

Smashed and used,

Backed into a lair,

I yell, but no one is there,

Why don't I ever belong?

I am just another pawn,

Trapped and bruised,

Hurt and used,

Survival is the key,

Doesn't anybody see?

Wanting to run,

Need to stay,

Protecting the liars,

My strength is drained,

"Am I going insane?"

Their hearts are like coal,

They haven't a soul,

It isn't fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling open and bare,

WHAT THE HELL OF HAVE I DONE?

The liars will pay,

They will have their day!

In a pit of evil,

Cutting brings relief,

If only drugs were legal!

These people influence my beliefs,

Him touching, and frequently forcing,

Brings the fire and tears that are coarsing,

I try to do my best,

To protect those who betray me,

I try to put them at rest,

But why won't they see?

Control in fear is his way,

There are no more words to say,

His eyes icy, Fingers cold,

In the darkness he is bold!

"You are a ugly and selfish bitch," He repeats,

"If you die, you will never be missed !"

They ask, I just guess,

I feel less and less.

With all of my heart I plead!

Why can't I go free?

A child in hell,

Demons are surrounding,

My feelings are evil,

Like a deepening well,

The voices are screaming:

"Look who is coming! It is the devil!"

Nothing is level,

They make me sick,

Deceit is in their blood,

Venom in their veins,

When I am down, they still kick,

They watch, their fingers point in blame,

Tongues yell, "In church you should have sang!"

Yet their home is full of sin and shame,

My soul full of confusion and pain.

Their voices are full of hate,

But they say to love,

Walls around me as tall as the sky above,

Deep valleys of doubt cause them to win,

Another day begins,

"God should be your goal,"

they taunt, "love him with all your soul,"

I should act as a dove,

Full of total devotion,

It is never enough, I give up!

Yet I have Fear, as deep as the ocean,

Does death kill pain?

Maze of lies, I have no way,

Sexual hurt, will it end?

Hate, hurt, pain, their gain,

Another night, another day,

Will my heart ever mend?

A piece here, a piece there,

Take take take until I am empty,

I just want to be loved!

Isn't that fair?

Three fathers, all fake,

I am let down for the last time,

It is too late.

Isn't there anyone who is kind?

Memories flood like pouring blood,

Is there any hope?

No end in sight,

I feel as dirty as mud,

I wash and wash with soap.

My skin is red and bright,

I never feel clean.

How do I cope?

I obey with all my might,

My instincts grow keen,

Wanting to run,

Wanting to hide,

Aren't children supposed to have fun?

They wish I'd just die.

____________________________________


My name is Christina Hoover. I wrote the poem called "A Child in Hell." I am a born again Christian. I have been abused in every way imaginable. I grew up in an alcoholic family and at the age of two was molested for a while by a male babysitter. I went back and forth between my birth mom and a pastor's family. After my birth mom got kicked out of Las Vegas, NV, I was adopted by the Pastor and his wife because my mom asked them to look after me. They also adopted a boy.

Well it turns out that that Children's pastor had been molested as a child and molested my brother who molested me for years from the time I was 7 till I was 14 years old. He tried to rape me and if I didn't do what he wanted he would start fires in my house, my room and blame me. He tried to kill me and I ended up in the emergency room. I almost died but God spared me because He had a plan for me.

Jesus was always there for me when no one else was. I now know that God's plan for me is to minister to other victims of abuse and show them His love that is always there. Many people think God is the one causing all the horrible things that happen to them but, He isn't the one responsible. Sin is. He can't control people because they have free will and as much has he hates for people to be hurt and molested and raped and murdered, He can't do anything but weep for them and reach out to them with His love.

I have such a deep love for others who have been hurt so deeply that it seems that Time can't even heal these wounds. The only one who can is Christ and even then you still have those memories that just won't go away. He can help people through that. I feel God helped me write that poem to make others understand that I know what they went through.

I have started two groups on Facebook called Victims of Abuse (for women) and Victims of Abuse Group (for anyone). My main point through this story is to encourage all who read it that when it seems that no one understands, Jesus does. Just like the caterpillar that when it starts to think the world is over, he turns into a butterfly, that is the same with us.