A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
-- Franklin P. Jones

A man's go to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-- Rhonda Hansome

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties
-- Author Unknown

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
-- Paula Poundstone

Adults are just obsolete children.
-- Dr Seuss

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have on something they don't need.
-- Will Rogers

Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.
-- Joan Collins

Allow me to put the record straight. I am forty-six and have been for some years past.
-- Erica Jong

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
-- Mark Twain

Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.
-- Author Unknown

An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
-- Author Unknown

An adult is someone who has stopped growing at both ends and started growing in the middle.
-- Author Unknown

An advertising agency is 85 per cent confusion and 15 per cent commission.
-- Fred Allen

Believe nothing until it has been officially denied.
-- Author Unknown

Careful grooming may take twenty years off a woman's age, but you can't fool a flight of stairs.
-- Marlene Dietrich

Dressing a baby is like putting an octopus into a string bag, making sure none of the arms hang out.
-- Chris Evans

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
-- Author Unknown

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.
-- Robert Orben

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?
-- Mitch Hedberg

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

If we can't alter the tide of events, at least we can be nearby with towels to mop up.
-- Peter David, Q-in-Law

If you can't convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S. Truman

If you see a snake, just kill it - don't appoint a committee on snakes.
-- H. Ross Perot

It has been said that a pretty face is a passport. But it's not, it's a visa, and it runs out fast.
-- Julie Burchill

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately. Extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
-- Steven Wright

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
-- Rita Rudner

My grandfather likes to give me advice, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.
-- Steven Wright

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
-- Benjamin Disraeli

My wife was too beautiful for words - but not for arguments.
-- John Barrymore

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller

Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.
-- Marlene Dietrich

Simply because nobody disagrees with you doesn't mean you're brilliant - maybe you're the boss.

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
-- Fran Lebowitz

That doesn't mean that you should just sit back and just let accidents happen to you. No, you have to go out and cause them yourself. That way you're in control of the situation.
-- P.J. O'Rourke

The greener grass on the other side is probably artificial turf.
-- Author Unknown

The only time a bachelor's bed is made is when it's in the factory.
-- P.J. O'Rourke

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
-- Lucille Ball

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.
-- Bill Cosby

Things hurt me now. My knees hurt, my back hurts. But your head still thinks it's twenty-three.
-- George Clooney

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-- Charlotte Whitton

When all else fails, read the instructions.
-- Author Unknown

You better live every day like it's your last day, because one day you're doing to be right.
-- Ray Charles

You know you've reached adulthood when 90 per cent of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. -- Author Unknown

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