A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
--Dean Acheson

A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad.
-- Sam Goldwyn

Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it.
-- Robert A. Heinlein

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.
-- Niels Bohr

Children aren't happy without something to ignore. And that's what parents were created for.
-- Ogden Nash, The Parents

Crackpot is an excellent job because the expectations are so low. No one ever tells crackpots that they should be doing more.
-- Scott Adams

Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.
-- Pete Seeger

Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.
-- Laurence J. Peter

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted.
-- Ann Landers

Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's remotely true!
-- Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.
-- Helen Rowland

Fanaticism consists in redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.
-- George Santayana

Fitness: if it came in a bottle everyone would have a great body.
-- Cher

Flattery is telling other people exactly what they think of themselves.
-- Author Unknown

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
-- George Burns

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.
-- Billy Wilder

Get the facts first. You can distort them later .
-- Mark Twain

Gossip: a person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
-- Author Unknown

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? - Rename the folder 'Instruction manuals'.
-- Author Unknown

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
-- Charles Lamb

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food.
-- Erma Bombeck

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of the peanut I ate in 1962.
-- Rita Rudner

I don't accept flowers. I take nothing perishable.
-- Paulette Goddard

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
-- Mitch Hedberg

I never exaggerate. I just remember big.
-- Chi Chi Rodriguez

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
-- George Burns

I speak two languages: English and Body.
-- Mae West

I will do anything to look like him - except, of course, exercise or eat right.
-- Steve Martin

I won't stand for gossip! No, I sit down and make myself comfortable for gossip.
-- Crabby Road

I'm pretty private about my neuroses. You're not neurotic if you talk to yourself - everyone does - you're only neurotic if you hear an answer.
-- Rachel Weisz

Imagination is the highest kite that one can fly.
-- Lauren Bacall

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
-- Kathleen Norris

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
-- Jerry Seinfeld

Life is like an overnight bag. If you try to cram too much into it., something has got to give.
-- Author Unknown

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

-- Rita Rudner

Minds are like parachutes; they only function when they are open.
-- Thomas Robert Dewar

Money isn't everything, but it ranks right up there with oxygen.
-- Rita Davenport

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
-- Roseanne Barr

My first psychiatrist said I was paranoid, but I want a second opinion because I think he's out to get me.
-- Tom Wilson

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-- Edith Summerskill

Nothing dispels enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
-- Kin Hubbard

Rice is great when you're hungry and want two thousand of something.
-- Mitch Hedberg

Sometimes I need what only you can provide - your absence.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Spoon feeding in the long run teaches us nothing but the shape of the spoon.
-- E.M. Forster

The family - that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape.
-- Dodie Smith, Dear Octopus

The first time someone said, 'What are your measurements?' I answered, '37, 24, 38 - but not necessarily in that order.'
-- Carol Burnett

The hard drive on your computer will only crash when it contains vital information that has not been backed up.
-- Murphy's Laws of Computers

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
-- Joe Ancis

The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.
-- Sam Levenson

There was no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.
-- Quentin Crisp, The Naked Civil Servant

There's one great advantage to living to 105 - no peer pressure.
-- Author Unknown

They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style.
-- Garry Shandling

You know you're addicted to the Internet when your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
-- Author Unknown

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
-- Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.
-- Jay Leno

What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not been discovered.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Fortune of the Republic

What is originality? Undetected plagiarism.
-- William Ralph Inge, Assessments and Anticipations

When you finally buy enough memory, you won't have enough disk space.
-- Murphy's Laws of Computers

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
-- Robert M. Hutchins

Why is it better to fight with a rottweiler than your mother-in-law? - The rottweiler eventually lets go.
-- Author Unknown

Zeal: a certain nervous disorder affecting the young and inexperienced.
-- Ambrose Bierce

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