Hilarious Quotes to Bring Laughter and Cheers to Your Day

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Have a break and a good laugh with this light-hearted collection of hilarious quotes.

Some of these are really funny, some are silly, some are witty, but all in good fun.

In your busy everyday life, slow down, read a few funny quotes, laugh, recharge your energy and continue to seize your day!

May you always have something to laugh about!

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
-- Agatha Christie

Always remember that true beauty comes from within — from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes.
-- Peter's Almanac

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.
-- Frieda Norris

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
-- Hubert Humphrey

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.
-- Ralph Bus

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
-- M. Berle

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
-- Robert Orben

Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are.
-- Quentin Crisp

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-- Douglas Adam

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
-- Les Dawson

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
-- Dennis Miller

If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.
-- Author Unknown

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
-- Author Unknown

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
-- Joey Adams

If you are not living life on the edge then you are taking up too much space.
-- Author Unknown

If you can't go over it or through it, you'd better negotiate with it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
-- Woody Allen

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want—an adorable pancreas?
-- Jean Kerr

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
-- Dave Barry

It is not necessary to understand, or believe, things in order to argue about them.
-- Pierce Caronde Beaumarchin

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
-- Homer Simpson

Look how often the unexpected happens -- yet we still never expect it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
-- Ambrose Bierce

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
-- Author Unknown

Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It's too crowded.
-- Yogi Berra

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
-- Bertrand Russell

One possible reason that I don't believe in fate is that I wasn't fated to.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

No, I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.
-- Adrienne Gusoff

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.
-- Anonymous

Strike while your employer has a big contract.
-- Author Unknown

Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that’s really where you wish they were.
-- George E. Bergman

The conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
-- Arthur Bloc

The making of a journalist: no ideas and the ability to express them.
-- Karl Kraus

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
-- Quentin Crisp

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
-- Quentin Crisp

This woman did not fly to extremes; she lived there.
-- Quentin Crisp

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
-- Albert Einstein

When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.
-- Henry Fielding

Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?
-- Author Unknown

Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?
-- Lily Tomlin

You have to be careful if you don't know where you're going because you might not get there.
-- Yogi Berra

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
-- George Burns

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