My Dearest - Visitor's Message

by Raven WinterHawk
(Bristol, Tennessee, USA)

My dearest I still am so sorry you are not here for me to share my life with. I've missed you so much and when I think of all you've missed in my life and the life of our sons it makes me sad all over again. You were everything to me and when I lost you I saw the world stand still. My world collapsed around my feet and I didn't think I could recover. I ached for you every night and every day. My soul cried out for you and the tears only made me want you more. It has been over ten years since I have looked into your eyes, heard your voice or felt your touch. I have laid awake at night missing the little things we used to do before going to sleep. The talks we had, the intimate moments we shared, the times you'd tickle me just to see me smile and hear my laugh and most of all I miss hearing my favorite three words and feeling that final kiss good night before drifting off to a peaceful sleep because I knew that tomorrow would just be a day better than the last. If only I'd known those days were coming to a close. If only I'd known how little time we had left.

The most painful day of my life was when I laid my head on your chest as the life left your body. With every last beat of your heart my own heart was breaking and my life was falling apart. When your heart stopped beating I couldn't let go of you, I couldn't bear to let them take you from me. I touched your lips with mine for that final time and my heart broke into because at that moment reality sunk in. I knew I'd never again hear you tell me you loved me, I'd never again feel your touch, I'd never get to grow old with you. I had been your wife my entire adult life and suddenly I was alone to travel the rest of my days on earth and I didn't know how to do it. There have been times I've felt so afraid. Times when I've come into the house and fallen apart and just said, 'God, why? There have been times when the grief was so deep that I couldn't breathe. There were many mornings that I would stumble to the bathroom feeling so weak that I felt unable to walk or see, paralyzed by my circumstance. I couldn't understand why fate presented me with a soul mate I could not keep. I couldn't understand what I had done so wrong that would cause God to take you from me. More than anything I couldn't believe that your life was over. You were this strong man, not only physically but in every way. You didn't deserve what you had been forced to endure and I didn't deserve to lose the love of my life.

I realized in reality that I had to forge ahead if only to be there for our wonderful sons but I honestly didn't know how to go about that and even now, looking back I don't know how I've survived without you. You'd be so proud of our sons. They've grown into the responsible adults you'd hoped that they would become. They are wonderful men, loving husbands and fantastic fathers. You'd adore your daughter in-laws. They are great women who love our sons so much. They have a love like you and I had and that makes me so happy and I know it would you too. Your granddaughters are so precious and I know you watch over them every day just as you've watched over me and protected me since I was fifteen years old.

Time has passed in one sense and I've missed you more than I could ever find words to explain but in many other ways my life has stood still. I tried to love since you left me but for years I just couldn't bring myself to let someone into my heart. In part it was because I feared loving and then it being taken away again but the truth is that I couldn't get past my love for you. I couldn't imagine being in anyone else's arms or allowing anyone else to share my life. I never thought that there would come a time like now but honey I have finally found a place where I can live again. I haven't found that special someone yet but I am ready to move on.

I have realized what I had to do to be able to move on and have a life for myself. It has taken years to get to this point but I am there finally. I have to somehow, someway put my past behind me and take that step forward into a new life. I want you to know that I understand that you are in a better place and I am not angry at you for leaving me. I wish more than life itself that I could go back into time and change what happened but I can't. My darling saying goodbye to you, the man who completed my life is the hardest challenge I've ever endured. Losing you was terrible but this is in some ways even harder because in some ways to move on I must let go of the love and the commitment we had to one another.

You will always have a special place in my heart. You will always be my first love and the man who in so many ways made me into who I am. You are the person who gave me two of my most treasured gifts... Our Sons. I will never stop loving you or remembering the life we've shared. The time has come for me to take the steps necessary to be happy again. I've only existed on this earth since you left and I know that I deserve better. I know in my heart that you want that for me. I feel so blessed to have had one of the most wonderful men love me in my lifetime. Experiencing true love once is magical but I hope to have it come into my life again someday. So until we meet again as I know we will, I am going to say goodbye and reach out to travel down this new road and to strive at making my life as happy as it possibly can be. I know you'll be watching and if you can that you'll be protecting my life. Thank you for loving me and most of all thank you for allowing me to find happiness again.