Short Funny Quotes

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For some comic relief, dig into this collection of short funny quotes to jazz up your day.

If you choose to take things in a light-hearted manner, there's usually a funny side to most things.

Let yourself be amused by these funny sayings and quotes. Enjoy!

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
-- Milton Berle

A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch.
-- Hermione Gingold

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
-- Bill Cosby

An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
-- Author Unknown

Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
-- Jo Brand

Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

Be like a duck, my mother used to tell me. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath.
-- Michael Caine

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
-- Author Unknown

Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
-- David Sarnoff

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
-- Bob Hope

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
-- Emo Philips

I was feeling very irritable. It was that difficult time of the month when the credit card statement arrives.
-- Julie Walters

If at first you don't succeed, order pizza.
-- Author Unknown

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
-- Ann Landers

I'm a godmother. That's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short. That's cute - I taught her that.
-- Ellen DeGeneres

Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.
-- Author Unknown

Most conversation are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses.
-- Margaret Millar

My doctor is wonderful. Once when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
-- Joey Bishop

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ.
-- Bill Cosby

My husband says I feed him like a god; every meal is a burnt offering.
-- Rhonda Hansome

No one can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.
-- Tallulah Bankhead

People who are pro smacking children say, 'It's the only language they understand.' You could apply that to tourists.
-- Jack Dee

Some people pay a compliment as if they expect a receipt.
-- Kin Hubbard

The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them.
-- Jackie Collins

The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.
-- Isaac Asimov

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.
-- Jean Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies

The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
-- Quentin Crisp, The Naked Civil Servant

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
-- Henry Kissinger

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
-- Paul Ehrlich

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-- Phyllis Diller

What you eat standing up doesn't count.
-- Beth Barnes

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